Hey, it’s Liz, and I’m not a fan of improvising. Not in the theatre sense, which is actually quite fun, but rather, when you have a thorough plan and something goes wrong so you have to change everything last minute. Yes, I’m talking about Monday’s video.
It’s not like it’s even really that bad, but on Monday, I felt so stressed that I almost didn’t even upload a video. I mean, I worked on this video for a week, hoping it would be just right for being uploaded, and suddenly, everything glitches, and the files are gone. I had to start from scratch, and I didn’t have time to make the video I’d planned on making, so instead, I stood in front of the camera in my room until something came to me.
The video I ended up making was a summer favorites video, and I showed some of my favorite candles, lotions, skin and hair care products, and clothes for the summer season. Despite my stress, it was an overall decent video. As a matter of fact, it felt a lot nicer to make than my original video. I was so lost on what to do with the one that I’d planned so intensely, but the one that I improvised just came to me naturally.
That doesn’t usually happen, I should add. Usually, when I script and plan something, it’s fun to make and turns out well. For whatever reason, though, this one wasn’t like this. It was actually better that it all fell apart and I had to start from scratch. Despite some slight screaming and crying (for those of you who don’t know, I have some pretty bad obsessive-compulsive disorder), it ended up being fun to make.
The thing about OCD is that the anxiety attached is pretty severe. I usually shut down when things go wrong. Heck, why do you think I used to struggle so much with sticking to an upload schedule? But I know that, realistically, there’s no way to guarantee that things will go to plan. Tests are failed, plans change, people change their minds, and technology is untrustworthy. Maybe this whole thing, as an experience, can help me grow and learn to adjust to change.
I know that it’s something I’ll always struggle with, but I also know that my disorders don’t have to own me. That video was just proof of my ability to handle a situation. No matter how difficult it gets some days, this sets a precedent of finding a way to manage the situation. Despite wanting to shut down, I found a way to keep going. If I did it once, then I can do it again. And hopefully, I can keep doing it again.
Someone on Twitter had in their bio, “I have mental illness, but mental illness doesn’t have me.” Maybe this is the start of what that means.